Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We left the knife in your bed.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
