we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
