the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
