I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize