i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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