my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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