You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
