i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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