the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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