evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Still dying that you shit outside
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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