I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
