someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my being single is dangerous.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
