She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize