Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
