i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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