his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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