So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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