were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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