definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
They have beer where we have blood.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
