I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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