I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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