He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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