i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
