I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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