The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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