You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
