and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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