He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
