I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
