I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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