Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize