I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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