Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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