i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
