Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Randomize
