Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
