I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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