I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
