Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
