just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
