Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Houston, we have a blender
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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