i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
