first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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