I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this just has baby written all over it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize