I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
