Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
