did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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