Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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