I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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