i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
