Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
