i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
