omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
