I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
