Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
