Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
