He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
