just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
