My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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