Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
